Tibetan Meditation Hall, by lecercle, Creative Commons

Intentions Aren’t Everything

In response to a Facebook post asking about vipassana meditation retreats, my friend Sarah commented : “I think Mary Beth did one of these, right, MB?”

Indeed I had.

Vipassana is an ancient Indian meditation technique rediscovered by Buddha over 2500 years ago and globally popularized in the last century.  It means ‘to see things as they really are.”  Vipassana focuses on cleansing oneself of mental impurities and healing human suffering by sitting in silent meditation for ten days.  No talking, reading, or writing permitted – and no meat, caffeine, alcohol, or dinner.

I wanted to try it.

My plan was to leave my hectic career and life in Hong Kong, scrub away some mental detritus, and start living my ideal life.  Added bonus: I’d be closer to nirvana.

It was perfect.  In theory.

Reality Bites

Reading Sarah’s innocent question flooded my mind with flashbacks of the much-different reality.

The Real Everest, at Sunrise, © MB Leisen

I remembered how, as a person who loves to talk, I’d referred to vipassana as my Everest – and how knowing this, I still failed to properly train, meditating only occasionally, as I was so busy wrapping up my life.  (I know, not a good sign.)

I remembered the intense pain, aches, and stiffness I felt in my shoulders, back, and legs from sitting in one position for 12 hours a day and wondered if my body would ever recover.

I remembered my brain’s onslaught once it caught wind I was trying to disengage from my thoughts.  At first it chatted like a gal pal, then turned nasty and critical, and finally pulled out the big guns, calling up some coked-out inner DJ who spun tunes in my head on fast forward, high volume – relentlessly, night and day.  I still can’t hear Madonna without wincing.

Mostly, I remembered suffering.  Lots and lots of suffering.

This was not what I had had in mind at the outset – but sadly, it was exactly what I had in my mind when it actually happened.  And therein lies the problem.

Massive Fail

While I made it through the ten days, thanks to an unhealthy amount of stubborn determination, the vipassana was actually a failure.

A complete and utter failure.

Sure, I could tell everyone I’d done it.  Hey, the big mouth who loves to talk actually managed to stay quiet for ten days!  My brother lost a bet, and I told everyone that yes, I did feel a bit more enlightened.

But I’d completely missed the point.  I failed to accept reality, stay in the present moment, and release struggle – and I knew it.

I despised failure.  I also secretly feared it.

I felt ashamed and regretted how I’d handled the entire experience.  I buried those feelings because I didn’t want to look at their painful reality.

Instead, I’d list the vipassana as an accomplishment, never dwelling on it for too long, lest it dredge up the uncomfortable truth I was working so hard to avoid.

Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon, Creative Commons

Walking the Walk: No Regrets

As time passed, I realized I was ready to examine my vipassana experience more carefully.  With the skills learned in life coach training and other personal development work, I was ready fully embrace the Tapas Living motto of no regrets.

Four key lessons emerged:

By failing to prepare, you’re preparing to fail.”  – Benjamin Franklin

I hadn’t put in enough practice to build my meditation skills (and muscles) enough to handle a vipassana.  While I’m a huge fan of spontaneity, some activities (like, say a 10-day meditation retreat) require a bit more prep.  It’s not called a meditation practice for nothing.

…Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.” – Viktor Frankl

If people in a concentration camp can choose their attitude, can’t I do the same?

The short (and obvious) answer is yes.  Of course.

When I feel like crap, however, I can go negative in lightning speed.  I forget that the cesspool of suffering in which I wallow is entirely of my making.   I caused my own suffering for ten days at the vipassana.

I now have an opportunity to choose differently every moment – but it takes patience, compassion, and alertness to catch it.

Practice, practice, practice.

A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring.” – Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Oh, man…  I frequently so attached to my thoughts even a blowtorch couldn’t separate us.

During the vipassana, I couldn’t stay with the present moment because I was too busy believing all my negative thoughts.  Even afterwards, I believed I was a loser for how I’d done it – and felt ashamed and awful.

This leads me to perhaps the most important lesson of all:

The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”  – Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

No one – no one – has ever been harder on me than I’ve been on myself.   

I suffered through the vipassana and continued to beat myself up, refusing to forgive myself for how I’d handled it.

My heart sank as I realized this was hardly the first time I’d been so harsh.

The real opportunity personal growth?  Use my vipassana experience to practice self-compassion and forgiveness.

Extending the Olive Branch, by Brian E. Ford, Creative Commons

It’s difficult, but I’m practicing.

I (try to) give myself a break and accept the vipassana for what it was.

I (try to) extend compassion when I judge myself for failing to live up to my own (unrealistic) expectations.

I also believe this reflection helped me fear failure a bit less.  Given how much I’ve learned (and may not have learned any other way), my vipassana failure was worth it.

Self-compassion takes practice.  Lots and lots of practice.  I don’t always choose it, but I do it more I ever did before.  I’m okay with that.

As for meditation, I still don’t sit as often as I’d like to.  But I’m okay with that, too.

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What are you vipassana-like learning experiences? 

When have you failed but ended up learning something important?

What helps you practice self-compassion and forgiveness?

Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

As always, if you like this post, please share it.  Thanks!

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