Photo Credit: Alysha Koby (Creative Commons)
The Pain of Divorce
Divorce blows – and life after divorce can be challenging at best.
The loss is painful and complicated, partly because your ex is still living (just now with you). There’s the legal jungle, financial strain, and family stress, particularly if you have children. Last, but by no means least, divorce whacks you with all of your own stuff – limiting beliefs, ranging emotions, fears, and insecurities.
And there are identity issues.
What happened to me? I don’t even recognize myself anymore
Who am I now?
I never want to lose myself again
I don’t like who I was. I want to change this and start fresh.
Whether you lose yourself when a relationship goes bad or relationships go bad when you lose yourself, the end is the same:
To heal and move on, you need to find yourself again.
It takes time to grieve and process – there’s no getting around that.
While personal activities like journaling, meditating, and seeing a therapist or life coach are extremely helpful, you’re gonna need some additional help.
Life after Divorce: A Little Help from Your Friends
Ana Forrest rightly said that you must be the primary participant in your own rescue. It’s your life, and you’re responsible for it. It won’t improve without you.
Photo Credit: Patricia Mellin (Creative Commons)
You don’t have to do it alone.
If you’ve forgotten who you are, your tried-and-true friends can remind you. Since they’re in it for the long haul, they also have a vested interest in your becoming the person you want to be.
Here’s a great way to enlist their support.
Create a Tapas Living Divorce Registry
Yes, you read that right: a divorce registry.
Before you go all Sex and the City on me about how much people already spent on your wedding and other presents, you should read my last post about Help Registries.
This registry is about experiences, not things.
No china patterns, towels, or bar code scanners involved.
A divorce registry helps you reclaim places, people, and activities and discover new things you want to explore – so you can rebuild your life.
Why does this matter?
Because you’re newly solo, and having things on the calendar helps.
Because your mind is like a bad neighborhood you shouldn’t go through alone, especially now. (Thanks to Anne Lamott for the reference.)
Because time with other people to process or have fun will greatly ease the transition.
Because these people love and care about you, and you need to soak up all that good juju you can.
Although my registry was more informal, it was invaluable in recovering from divorce.
Start with Small Bites.
Photo Credit: adewale_oshineye (Creative Commons)
I mean ‘small bites’ literally here.
Meet a group of close, trusted friends at your favorite tapas restaurant. Tapas are festive and fun, with something for everyone. It’s a great invite.
Order sangria by the pitcher. While you gulp, peruse the tantalizing menu options, and get anything that appeals to you. It’s time to bring pleasure back into your life.
Thank your friends for their support throughout your divorce. Share specifics.
Request their help in creating your registry to begin your life after divorce. Brainstorm what you want to reclaim, what you need / want, and what you’d like to explore.
Enjoy the night. I’m guessing you could really use it.
Create your Divorce Registry
Now that you’ve got something to work with, start creating your Divorce Registry (and refer to the Help Registry post).
The following categories are thought starters (feel free to add more to the Comments section). As you come up with ideas, add them to your Registry list.
Photo Credit: pillowhead designs (Creative Commons)
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Reclaim anything associated with your ex that you want
This could be activities you did together, favorite movies and music, or places – like restaurants, cafes, parks, and neighborhoods.
If it makes even the opening notes of “Always Something There to Remind Me” play in your head, put it on your list.
For me, a biggie was the amazing Frontera Grill restaurant, where my ex and I dined regularly. While it only took about three visits to take it back, my friend Val and I went six times, just to be sure.
It may take much longer to even start reclaiming others. I took several months before I listened to our wedding song (Israel Kamakawiwi`ole’s Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World. Beautiful.) – and then did so over and over again until I could hear it without reliving the divorce pain. It’s now back in its rightful place on my iPod.
2. Reconnect with friends you haven’t seen.
Often when relationships go south (or sometimes even when a marriage is going well), we spend enough (or any) time with the other people we care about.
It’s time to reconnect. Reach out and invite them to do something. If they’re out of town, arrange a visit or weekend getaway.
I went to Hawaii post-divorce because my friends – and the islands themselves – truly nourish me. I came back recharged, more healed, and better able to cope.
(Note: Friendships you’ve severely neglected may take awhile to rebuild.)
3. Ramp up involvement in activities you’ve been doing all along
It can be less overwhelming to get more involved in something you’re already doing than to try something new.
Invite friends to join you at a group or organized event, a meet-up with the kids at the park, or to do something with your volunteer organization.
4. Start doing those things you’ve stopped, especially the ones that really feel like ‘you.’
What haven’t you done in a long time that you really enjoy? It’s time to get back to these.
I love independent films, but my ex and I never seemed to get around to going to them. Post-divorce, I attended 10 movies with friends at that year’s Chicago Independent Film Festival.
I also hadn’t touched my camera in months nor been in nature in a long time, so a friend and I walked through the Botanical Gardens one afternoon taking photos. Life after divorce was already getting a bit better.
5. Explore new things you’d like to try
Think about all the things you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t.
I’d really wanted to learn about Indian cooking. One night, three Indian friends came over and we cooked each of their favorite dishes together. I had companionship, dinner, and new recipes.
If you need ideas, ask your friends what they’re into, excited about, or have scheduled. Also check meetup.com for inspiration.
If something sounds good, put it on your registry.
6. Exercise
Exercise improves your physical health, reduces stress and lights up your brain chemistry like 4th of July fireworks.
When I contemplated an elliptical machine purchase post-divorce, my friend Karen wisely pointed out that I could work my anger and my ass off at the same time. Done.
I can’t stress enough how important exercise is at a time like this. Get a workout buddy and go for walks, do yoga, take Zumba, climb trees, or pole dance – anything that moves your body.
Get Going
Photo Credit: Alysha Koby (Creative Commons)
Once you’ve created your registry, ask your friends to sign up. Schedule your activities, and do them.
Yes, there is life after divorce, even if the transition is a painful one.
By getting the support you need, you can make it much easier, and even fun.
I wish you all the very best in embracing your new life, Tapas Living style.
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