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When Friendships No Longer Fit

A couple months ago, I polled people about the pain points in their lives.  I expected to hear about dissatisfaction with time, work, and even romantic partners.

I didn’t expect to hear so much about friends.

I was struck by how many had outgrown their friendships, no longer shared anything in common, or had never been a good fit. The time they spent together – often lots of it – left them feeling empty, frustrated, or lonely.

I’ve changed quite a bit – grown a lot, which is great.  But most of my friends seem to want me to be the same person I used to be.”

“Now that I’m married with kids, I spend time with neighborhood couples or playdate parents.  I miss having real friends.”

“My friend seems supportive, but she really isn’t.  I often leave feeling really bad about myself.”

“I only hang out with work people.  And all we talk about is work – and other work people.  I’m sure they talk about me when I’m not there, too.”

“I was at dinner with ‘good’ friends the other night and realized that we have nothing in common anymore.  They talked nonstop about their kids (I am single), and not once did anyone even ask me about my life.”

Ouch.

Given how important friendships are, it hurts just to read statements like these.

We’re Looking for a Few Good Friends

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We need friends.  Good ones.

We need support and to be understood, especially when times are tough.

We need to be accepted for and encouraged to be who we are, even if that means showing our scary, ugly stuff.

We need true connection with people who share our values.

We need that friend who would help us move – and the one that’d help us move a body (hypothetically, of course).

And we need partners in travel, adventure, and fun.

Plenty of research documents the critical role that strong friendships play in our all aspects of our lives.  They literally make us healthier.

We all know this, yet we still spend too much time with people who don’t fit the bill.

Here are three small bites to change that.

Step One: Take Stock

Use these questions to consider each friendship:

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1. Does this friendship still fit with who I am now – and who I want to be?
2. Can I truly be myself in it and feel good about doing so?
3. Do I make the friendship a priority and really show up for it?
4. Bonus: Does it bring out my best self – or help me be even better?

Be very, very honest with yourself about this.

Step Two: Decide Who Stays

If the answer is yes to all of these, keep it.  Done.

If your answers are a mix, find out why.

Maybe you’ve been afraid to show who you are.  Does a misunderstanding need to be cleared?  Or are you so busy with other people that you’ve neglected the real deal?  If a friendship has potential, it may be worth the effort to fix it.

If the answers are all no, toss it.

That may sound harsh, but some friendships need to go.  When you maintain friendships because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, you do everyone a disservice, especially yourself.  If you let them go, you both may learn something, and it frees both of you to find a better match.

Yes, it’s difficult to walk away from a friendship.  It can bring up a lot of our own insecurities, fears, and limiting beliefs.  You can do it with kidness and integrity, and you don’t have to unfriend them on Facebook.  That’s fine – but be careful about who gets your time and energy.

You can’t make space in your life for what you do want when it’s overflowing with what you don’t.

Step Three: Find Your People

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Friendships are about quality, not quantity, so you may be content to focus on the ones you’re keeping.

If you tossed more than a few, you may be looking.

In just the past year, I’ve found my people on hiking trails, in classes, at the Y, and through mutual friends, and some have become very close friends.  It’s a huge benefit of living the Tapas Way.

Here are a few ways to get started:

• Set an intention.  This trains your brain to be on the lookout for your people and sends out an energetic homing signal so you recognize them.

• Do more of what you enjoy.  When you’re having a good time, you’re magnetic – and you’ll be surrounded by people who share your interest.

• Get to know your acquaintances.  You may not know that you have something important in common.  Plus, they may connect you to other people.  This is partly a numbers game.

• Stay open.  When you’re out and about, tune into the people around you.  Many of us have our heads so far up our phones that we probably miss great opportunities to make interesting connections every day.

• Take a risk and put yourself out there.  No, of course it’s not easy.  But every friendship starts with an introduction.  What do you have to lose by striking up a simple conversation?  What could you gain?

Friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest. It’s about who came, and never left your side.” – Unknown.

Happy Searching.  I hope you find your people.  Lots of them.  And share this to help others find theirs.

What’s been your experience when it comes to ending friendships and discovering new ones?  Please share in the comments below.

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