Just in time for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. We are very aware…
When It Rains, It Pours
Last week, we found out my mom has breast cancer. She’s having surgery tomorrow. One minute, she was fine, and the next, she’s facing The Big C.
My sister-in-law Angie was diagnosed with stomach cancer on February 22nd and died April 19th. 2013 has been one unlucky year when it comes to family health.
I felt gutted, devastated, and then numb.
Cancer again? Seriously?
When Your Toolbox Is Inadequate
A million things raced through my mind. Coping with cancer meant my mom would endure pain, fear, struggle, and possibly death. I’d have to watch my fix-anything father stand by, helpless to change this for his wife of over fifty years.
Could I support them? Could I even take care of myself?
Fear and overwhelm are not welcome houseguests.
They moved in anyway.
With all of my training, I know lots of best practices for coping with cancer. I didn’t follow some of them when Angie was sick, however, and this time I was determined to show up differently.
That said, the first thing I did was scrap my vegan cleanse for a plate of nachos.
Oops.
In the Plus Column, I still went to the gym, even though I rarely felt like it. I also continued my (recently rekindled) meditation practice, tried to maintain a positive attitude, kept up my G5 (daily gratitude), reached out to friends, and gathered quality information.
All the right things – except for maybe the nachos (nachos, why do you taste so good???).
I still felt like I was sinking into quicksand.
I knew that if I didn’t change something, I’d drown in all this.
I needed help. Fast.
Coping with Cancer: My Answer
That night, I drifted to sleep asking Spirit / God / the Universe for guidance. I felt myself surrender, and for the first time in a week, I slept well.
Photo Credit: FutUndBeidl
I awoke with the words ‘Present, Present, Present’ front and center in my mind.
Early Christmas?
In a way I guess it was. It’s hard to explain, but I instinctively understood the meaning of ‘Present, Present, Present’ – and knew it was my coping with cancer mantra.
It is. I’ve repeated it countless times in the past week, and it always helps. Always.
While I won’t do justice to explaining it, I’ll try. Hopefully you’ll get the idea.
Fully Present in the Moment
The first Present reminds me to be FULLY PRESENT in each moment, no matter what it brings.
This is a huge challenge, to say the least.
No matter how much I practice, my mind still loves to race into the future, worrying, speculating, sometimes catastrophizing, and frequently solving problems that don’t exist yet.
‘Present, Present, Present’ returns me to the here-and-now, where I can actually do something – a lot of somethings.
(Wait – am I finally, finally, getting what Buddhists have advocated for thousands of years??? I’ll get back to you on that.)
The Gift of True Service to Someone I Deeply Love
‘Present, Present, Present’ is also about the gift I can give my mom.
I raised a ruckus from the start…
When I think for a few seconds about how much she’s done for me – and how much crap she had to put up with while doing it – I’m overwhelmed. (Exhibit A: my adolescence – or, more accurately, from birth to 30.)
Now, it’s my turn to give to my mom:
- I am a determined, fierce advocate – I WILL get her what she needs
- I don’t get squeamish when it comes to medical stuff (usually)
- I’m sensitive to her needs and can provide for her physical and psychological comfort
- I can empathize, listen to her thoughts, fears, and concerns, and support her decisions (even when they’re scary)
No one can do this like I can – and I know it.
My Gift in This
Last, but certainly not least, ‘Present, Present, Present’ is about what I get.
Photo Credit: Wikimedia
Research shows that when we place another’s interests before our own, it activates the reward center in our own brain.
Said another way, helping feels great.
That’s only part of it.
I’m already learning huge lessons and growing.
As I stay more present, I’m coping with cancer much better. I feel calmer and stronger than I did when Angie was sick only a few short months ago. I’m taking better care of myself and have more energy.
I’m also learning that a sense of purpose and having something tangible to do focuses my brain on something much more constructive than freaking out. When I feel like holing up and doing nothing, it’s my signal to go do something. Anything. I’ve been very productive, which feels rewarding.
I’m pretty sure there will be more growth opportunities, regardless of what happens. I hope that I choose to take them.
Making ‘Present, Present, Present’ Your Own
‘Present, Present, Present’ isn’t magical or revolutionary. Not at all.
It’s a simple – but powerful – mental trigger to quickly refocus on adaptive coping. The words themselves aren’t magical – they just mean something to me. This small mind reset has had huge effects on my attitude, thoughts, and behaviors.
Will this work for anyone else?
If you make it your own, I believe it can.
When you’re coping with cancer or some other major stressor, it’s all too easy to get caught in the swirl. I’ve been there. Having effective ways to quickly reset your thinking and attitude are immensely helpful. Find the words that are right for you – and use them to show up more effectively.
Support Welcome
I honestly don’t know if ‘Present, Present, Present’ will help if my mom’s cancer goes south.
I hope it will. I really, really hope so.
I’m not thinking about that at the moment. I’m busy with Right Now.
Photo Credit: asenat29
And to that end, I invite your support – feel free to send thoughts, suggestions, or positive energy our way, especially if you have recommendations for coping with cancer. I’d really appreciate them.
It’d be like getting…. a present. 😀
UPDATE
We found out this week that my mom’s cancer has not spread past her original, whopping 4cm tumor. She is recovering well from the mastectomy surgery and is my hero. I can’t put into words how inspiring I’ve found her strength and courage to be. Present, Present, Present. Thank you for also for the tremendous outpouring of support we’ve received. It’s been nothing short of amazing.
Wishing you and your family love, peace and wellness, Mary Beth. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I know that present, present, present is the only way. Be kind and gentle with yourself (if that takes nachos then so be it! 🙂 ); anger is natural and normal – don’t be afraid to feel that too; and love love love and more love.
Thank you so much for that, Lucy. I really, really appreciate it. I’ve definitely felt more than my share of anger, in addition to sadness and grief this year, that’s for sure. It’s a lot easier to handle those when I’m present, however, as in the past I think I’d have hidden it behind more than nachos. 🙂 I’ll update the blog entry soon – we just found out that the cancer has not spread – woohoo! That’s put my gratitude practice on steroids! 😀
Your mom really is amazing! She definitely is doing more in these few days than I did in a couple of weeks! So now we know where YOU get your “amazing” from. While being a wonderful daughter and the coolest aunt ever, please don’t forget to take care of YOU.
She is indeed amazing! I can’t believe how well she’s doing. And I agree – it’s important for caregivers to take care of themselves as well. I learned that with Angie. I’ve been doing pretty well with that this time. 🙂 Thanks so much for your comment!