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If You Haven’t Got Anything Nice to Say, Why are you Talking All the Time?

 Negative self-talk, I wish I didn’t know you so well…

Since I’d been working the voices in my head quite in-depth the past week, on Friday I invited others on Facebook to join me by noticing negative self-talk and trying a different response.

It’s been interesting, to say the least.

Here’s some of what I discovered (or rediscovered) about these loud squatters in my own head:

1. I have lots of them – the overcrowding makes prisons look roomy.
2. The Voices usually they act alone (they each have specialties), but they can also gang up and group attack.
   

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3. Their origins aren’t important.  I know where some came from and could probably figure out others, but it’s a waste of time and energy because I live in and can only affect the present.
4. The Voices speak with deceptive – yet effective – authority.  They seem so… believable.
5. They’re a drastic lot.  They often speak in extremes (‘always’ and ‘never’ come up frequently) and make globally damning characterizations, (‘you always sucked at that’ vs. ‘you didn’t do well in that situation’).
6. The Voices often go for the jugular.  Because they’re all mine, they know how to attack where it hurts.  And man, can it hurt sometimes.

Talking Back to Negative Self-Talk

When we buy into the negative self-talk, we trigger – and then reinforce – a whole associative network of painful thoughts, beliefs, and emotions in our brains.  We deepen the well-worn, painful rut.

Let’s back up a minute and ask the critical question: why do we believe The Voices in the first place??

Whether they originally came out of someone else’s mouth or from our own minds in response to our lives doesn’t make what they say true. 

The Voices are often filthy, rotten liars.

They may not even be ours (although we sometimes roll out the red carpet and welcome mat and welcome them inside regardless).  It’s a story – one we told ourselves or one that someone else, society, or culture fed us.

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Two questions to always, always ask when you hear The Voices:

Is this true?”

Is this voice mine?”

Is This True?

Our default response is to believe whatever The Voices say.  We agree automatically (and feel ashamed, depressed, belittled, irritated, sad, or angry).

Here’s an example.

One of my voices says “You’re too old to (fill-in-the-blank).”  A lot.

Ever hear that one?  It used to leave me feeling deflated, resigned, sad, small, and unseen.  And I often wouldn’t do whatever it was I was considering doing.

So I started asking:  “Is that really true?  Am I too old to, say, move to a new city, start a new career, travel solo, or take martial arts classes?”

Hell, NO.

Besides a rare few exceptions, like attending preschool or flying on someone’s lap, I am not too old for anything.  (And with my fingerpainting skills, I bet I could still get accepted at Montessori.)

People of all ages have learned to salsa dance, graduated from college, reconciled with an estranged parent, gotten married, climbed Everest (Yuichiro Miura just did it at ages 70, 75 and now 80), or pretty much anything else you can imagine.

I am NOT too old.  Not at all.

Once we regularly practice asking “Is that true?”, we’ll find that (1) most of our negative self-talk is actually bullshit, or (2) we have absolutely no way of knowing whether it’s true or not.

Is this voice mine?

At our core, we are all kind, compassionate, loving people who want the best for ourselves and others.  Our true self wants only what’s good for us.

Then life happens, and our essence can get buried in junk – bad experiences lead to limiting beliefs.  Sometimes the crap is piled so high we have a hard time finding anything of our true self buried underneath it.

It’s almost impossible to hear our inner voice.

How do you know if a Voice is from you (your true self) or belongs to someone else?

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The voice IS your own inner voice if it:

• Sounds warm, kind, and caring, even when corrective
• Is supportive and encouraging
• Reminds you not to listen to the others
• Comes to your defense when the others jump you in a dark alley
• Speaks quietly and may be hard to hear over the loudmouth know-it-alls

If the voice doesn’t fit those criteria, it’s not part of your true self.  You may have created or adopted it, but it isn’t yours.

The voice is NOT yours if:

• It belittles, scolds, insults, criticizes, or berates
• You feel ashamed, depressed, helpless, resigned, or any other negative emotion that limits how you see yourself or take action.

What to Do with Negative Self-Talk That Isn’t Yours

If you’re hearing a voice that isn’t yours, it’s time to send it away or give it back.  It can go to the person it came from (if you know).  You won’t physically be delivering it to them, just getting it out of your own system with the intention of having them own what they created.

You can also send it to the earth.  Shit makes great fertilizer.

Here’s the general process:

1. Recognize the voice isn’t from your true self (i.e., isn’t yours)
2. Actively decide that you no longer want this in your life.
   

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3. Bring up everything about the voice in your mind – the words it says, the other thoughts, feelings and physical sensations it creates, and the way you behave as a result.
4. Imagine pulling it out and gathering it all into a ball, one you’re going to hurl out of your system.
5. With your intention and using large exhales, send it back to where it came from or into the earth.  Do so with the kindness and love that you now commit to showing yourself, regardless of how it originally came to you.
6. Repeat as many times as needed, until you feel like you’ve moved at least some of it up and out.
7. Notice how you feel.  Is it any different?  Track this over time.
8. If/When the voice arises again, remind yourself that this is old stuff, it’s not yours, and you don’t want to keep it.  Go through these steps again.

Final Thoughts

You’ve provided refuge for these mind pirates harbored these invaders for a long time, so it may take awhile to get them to leave.  That’s fine.

Each time you recognize what’s not yours, question it, and release it, you loosen its foothold in your mind (and create new neural pathways to support a more healthy alternative).

I’ve been using these questions and releasing a lot, especially in the past week.

I’m enjoying the increased peace and quiet.